Navigating Holiday Etiquette: When Hosts Expect Too Much

During the holiday season, social invitations often come with unspoken expectations, which can lead to uncomfortable situations. A recent inquiry to etiquette expert Judith Martin, known widely as Miss Manners, highlighted the challenges faced by a divorced woman without nearby family. Frequently invited to friends’ homes for holidays, she encountered a surprising request that sparked her concern about appropriate contributions.

Last year, this woman received an invitation to a Thanksgiving gathering attended by approximately 30 people. Upon accepting the invitation, she offered to bring a couple of homemade pies. To her dismay, the hosts requested instead that she provide six bottles of wine and several containers of ice cream. As someone who prefers quality over quantity, she found her contribution totaled around $150, a hefty price for a single guest.

Upon arrival, she observed that other guests contributed more typical items, such as side dishes or bakery goods. This led her to question how to respond if faced with a similar request in the future, especially given that her hosts appeared financially comfortable.

Miss Manners provided guidance on how to handle such requests diplomatically. She suggested that when asked for an excessive contribution, one could respond with enthusiasm while setting boundaries. For instance, she advised saying, “I would be so happy to do the whole dessert. I know a perfect ice cream that would go with the pies. But since it is 30 people, would you mind terribly if I don’t do the wine?”

This response achieves several important objectives. First, it expresses excitement about participation while subtly indicating that the request was excessive. Additionally, it allows the hostess to maintain control over the final decision, avoiding a confrontational situation. By framing the contribution as a cohesive theme—dessert—rather than merely a list of items, it adds a personal touch to the offer.

Miss Manners emphasized that declining to provide reasons for a counteroffer prevents the hostess from negotiating further, which could lead to additional pressure. The advice not only addresses the specific situation but also serves as a general strategy for navigating future holiday gatherings where expectations may exceed comfort levels.

Judith Martin, who graduated from Wellesley College with a degree in English, has built a reputation as an authority on etiquette through her columns and publications. Her insights continue to resonate with readers seeking guidance on social interactions in an increasingly complex world.

As families and friends come together during the holiday season, understanding the nuances of etiquette can foster a more enjoyable experience for everyone involved.